Full Circle

It's happening again.  A situation I had hoped never to face again is staring me down.  Let me explain.  Back in March, when my maternity leave ended, I had to decide whether to go back to work full time or part time or not at all.  Financially, the smart thing to do was work full time, since Rob is still in school and money isn't exactly growing on the bush in our backyard.  But I couldn't face the prospect of letting someone else, some random stranger, raise my little girl.  So in the end Rob and I worked out a schedule where we both work part time, switching off so one of us is always at home with Isabella.  It means Rob and I didn't see each other very often, but it's worth it; Isabella is being raised by her parents, the way it should be.

Now, however, that's all over.  In a couple weeks Rob's classes resume after the summer break, and he'll no longer be able to watch Isabella during the day while I'm at work.  He'll also be cutting down on the number of hours he works so he can concentrate on school, which is good, except he won't be bringing in much money.  That left me with three options: One, continue to work part time and put Isabella in a day home when necessary.  Two, only work the evenings when Rob is not working.  Three, work full time and put Isabella in a day home full time.  None of them are appealing.  The first two don't leave us with enough money to fill our stomachs (did you know that partime daycare costs the same as full time?), while the third means ripping my heart our and freezing it for later.

Anyway, after much indecision I finally decided that I needed to just not think about it, and do what I have to do.  I called around and made a few visits to find a day home, all the while trying not to think what it would mean.  How long will this other place be where she spends most of her waking hours?  One year?  Two?  Five?  Will the day home lady give her the attention she needs?  Teach her?  Love her?  Worse, will "mommy" become an empty word to her, the name of that woman who puts her in bed at night but she otherwise never sees?  How many firsts will I miss?

But I can't think about all of that, or my heart will burst, I'll break down crying and I won't be able to enjoy these last few days that I have with her.  I have to take advanatage of every minute, drink in every every smile, because very soon I won't be there to see them.

I'll do what I have to do, but this is torture.