Is it Worth it?

Almost exactly one year ago I started my maternity leave. My baby was due in two weeks, and working full time was exhausting. I needed the time to rest, to prepare. And, I thought, was was two weeks? I wouldn't even feel the difference at the end of my mat leave year. However, Isabella did not cooperate. She didn't want to come out into the world. My due date neared, came, passed. Day after day I waited, spending an hour of each at the hospital being tested to ensure my placenta wasn't degrading and the baby was still healthy. Finally, thirteen days late, Isabella was born. What can compare to becoming a mother? I've spent nearly every moment of the eleven months since then with her. Playing, teaching, laughing, adoring. The longest I've been away from her was for an hour, when I had a dentist appointment.

It has been the best time of my life, and now it's over. In two days I go back to work. I love my job, but it's nothing compared to how I feel about my daughter. The last few weeks have been very stressful for me. I lie awake at night, worrying about how Isabella will handle being with a stranger all day (her stranger anxiety has not lessened at all), worrying about how I will handle being away from her all day. Worrying about mundane details like how she'll get to her dayhome when I start work before it opens and we only have one car - will Rob take her by bus? What about naps? One dayhome lady said, very firmly, that naps are from 1-3. But Isabella doesn't sleep then. She takes her nap in the morning. Will she be able to sleep the ruckus of other children playing? And most heart-wrenchingly: will she like the dayhome lady better than me after a while? Will she think they dayhome is her realy family? That I am merely the woman who puts her to bed at night?

I don't know if I can do this.

I wish that money weren't an issue, that Rob was done school and had a great job so I could stay home and do what I really love. Knowing how I feel, Rob says I should only work part time, but if I did that we wouldn't be able to make ends meet. And when I go on mat leave next time I'll be bringing in even less. At that rate, by the time Rob is done school we'll we swallowed up in an impossibly large amount of debt.

What is more important? Being with my daughter now, but struggling financially for years and years to come? Or going back to work, letting her be raised by a stranger, breaking my heart, but probably no other ill side effects.

Help, please!

Me and my darling Isabella July 2009