A little forwarning here: I am suffering from a severe lack of sleep (Isabella is sick), so parts of this post or maybe all of it may not make sense to the average reader.
Weeks and months ago, I imagined the worse thing about putting Isabella in a day home would be that she would like someone else better than me. And maybe it still is, but that would be a very different kind of pain than what I'm going through now. While she was still at Monika's, it was causing me all kinds of anguish knowing that she was with someone she hated, but at the same time I felt a little...gratified, maybe? secretly happy?.. that she loved me best and I had the power to make her happy again.
It obviously wasn't working out with Monika. Last Monday Monika called me at work. She was at her wits' end; she couldn't handle Isabella anymore. I could hear Isabella crying in the background. Luckily, I have a boss who empathises with my situation, and she let me leave work early. When I got to Monika's, I found out that Isabella had been waiting by the door all day, hoping that it would open and her mom would be there to take her away from that horrible place (Isabella's words, not mine). When she saw me she held her arms out wide and ran towards me saying "hi mommy" in a tone that said "I was in the pits of despair but now I am saved!"; she gave me a tight hug.
Monika, in a very roundabout way that was hard to follow, let me know that she wasn't happy with the situation. And who can blame her for that? I wouldn't like to be saddled with a kid who cried all day either. Plus, her husband works nights, and since he couldn't sleep through Isabella's crying during the day, Monika had a cranky husband, too. We decided we would keep Isabella there for the rest of the week, and if the situation still hadn't improved, I would look for another day home.
That was Monday.
Tuesday morning Rob called Monika to let her know what time he was going to drop off Isabella, and Monika said she wouldn't take her. Just like that, in a matter of minutes, we were out of a day home. I was working full time, Rob was in school full time, we have no family in the area. I was already at work when this happened, so Rob had no choice but to stay home from school. He stayed home with her all week while I frantically looked for a day home that had availability right away.
Now, while I'm incredibly stressed out, I don't feel as bad as I did before. I know that Isabella is with someone she loves and is not being traumatised. It also feels good to be able to do something. My search has been fruitless so far, but at least I'm not sitting at work agonising over something I can do nothing about, like I was when she was at Monika's. I'm out searching, meeting with people, asking for advice, following leads. All I need now is to find the right place.
I need a Brigham Young moment, where I can say with confidence, "This is the place."
4 comments:
I know the place: Vancouver! Here you'll have all the support you need!
I demand to be replied to!
Sorry, I didn't reply because we've had this conversation before. Vancouver is too expensive, Rob's courses don't transfer. But wouldn't it be so lovely if we could move there? I dream about it all the time...
Or at least move back to BC.
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